I must say that I’m a seriously mopey and whiny girl. My blog’s theme is break-ups & sadness. My main pieces of writing are all about my ex-boyfriend. Seriously? Now, THAT is just plain sad so I’m changing that.
When we grow up and look back at ourselves, we tend to see the “cooler” and more “calmer” version of our past. We forget the awkward things we said and embarrassing things we did. The only difference in my case is that I have written proof of how silly I was. I’m seriously disappointed in my old self because (sigh)….I’m exactly like every girl who’s been in a relationship and who has been “cast off to the side” aka dumped: angry and defensive And I feel like I haven’t changed at all even now. This lack of growth makes me even more mad. It’s a vicious cycle.
Hence, from now on I write. Yeah. It will be most embarrassing to look back at the nonsense that comes from my head but heck, I need a place to vent out everything, a place where I don’t get unwanted advice. I’m not venting in order to get some kind of answer…I just need to get it out of my system.
I seriously want to grow up.
Valentine’s Day was quiet.
This was a first considering the hustle and bustle of my high school Valentine’s days. From receiving chocolates to cards to flowers, it was quite commonplace in high school for the day to be filled with hearts. I wasn’t expecting much when I entered my college campus that day. And truly there wasn’t much. In fact, I didn’t wish a single person I saw in my classes…but that is understandable; I like them. I don’t love them.
My classes ended at 7:40pm. My usual bus left without me at 7:53pm. I didn’t feel like hurrying home that day. I sat in that bus, thinking about us. From the beginning to the end, leaving out no detail. I didn’t miss him. I missed what we had. The distance had never mattered when I knew that he loved me. My bus pulled to my stop and I got off. As I walked the steep, concrete stairs of my home, my melancholy slipped off my shoulders. By the time I stepped into my home, I knew I would be okay.
I wished my mom. Then I wished Atta & Tee. I even made a styrofoam heart of red, pink, and white dedicated to the three of them. It was tentative in the beginning, but I love them. And they love me.
I haven’t really mentioned it specifically but I’m a first-year student of City University of New York (CUNY) at its Lehman campus. Additionally I’m also part of the William E. Macaulay Honors College, which is a program at CUNY.
Last semester, as part of the Macaulay program, as Lehman students, we were required to take a seminar class: Macaulay Arts in NYC.
The topic in my Arts class began with a focus on 9/11 becuase of the upcoming 9/11 memorial. Most of my classmates were tired of hearing about 9/11 and Islam because they’d heard so many times in HS. But I was more intrigued than bored. It’s interesting because my childhood went by in a such a way that I knew almost nothing about 9/11 till I came to the US.
Being a young Christian kid in an Islamic country made me ignorant of worldly events (or perhaps they were “brainwashing” me hehe just kidding) but I think that even if I did know I would have been too young to truly understand. I feel like I would have been wrongly influenced to be prejudiced against all Muslims so I’m glad I was not made aware of 9/11.
Now when I look back at 9/11 along with my childhood I feel that I have a relatively open mind to Islam and its followers. Heck I grew up with Muslims; the least I could do is not judge their brothers and sisters.
I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of one religion, and it is the spirit.
(If only people could be forced to forget their prejudices)
I’m not of the belief that there is something wrong in reading horoscopes. As long as one ultimately relies on G-d, I think that there’s nothing wrong in people trying to find hope. Hope that things will change for the better.
Normally, I read horoscopes for my friends and laugh at what people say about the so-called“FUTURE”. But I’ll admit that this time I was looking for something to hold onto for myself, especially after such a depressing ending to 2011.
No matter how silly it was to actually go and read a horoscope for my life there is one statement that really stuck with me.
“Commit and spend quality time with those you cherish most. Make the time to cultivate and/or nurture deep and lasting relationships.”
I have no idea why but those words totally bound to my heart. I realize that I have only a few people who I truly have a “real” relationship with. I’m not saying that I have to be everyone’s best friend, but perhaps I could find it in me to seriously care about what goes on in people’s lives….I dunno. I just feel a need to connect to people. I feel like if I don’t try now to try and make strong, bonding relationships, then I’ll be too afraid to experiment in the future when I’m much much older. The people I know right now I want to see if I can become close with them. I want to “cherish” the relationships I have with them.
AHH…I dunnoooo! It’s just a weird feeling I’ve had since I read this article in early Jan. :)
http://shine.yahoo.com/astrology/taurus/yearly-love/20120101/;_ylt=AghjzaSqyvHQSw8o0nOSVR9ebqU5
^^ thats in case any of you are feeling all down about relationships like I was.
So. Last week my mom woke me up every day at like 6am. Why? Well, to cook of course! o.o…of course. Oh and to get used to waking up that early….I thought I got away from high school hours.
Any other Indian girl would be able to tell you of how many delicious Indian dishes she can make; in fact, you could probably test-trial her food and ACTUALLY survive.
This Indian girl over here knows too little about cooking. It’s only when my mom is around that I make decent dishes; you see, she makes sure that the end result is something edible.
Now my mom left last Sunday for Houston, Texas to rest up from a small surgery she had the week before. The only food that was made in our home (that was edible) was my beetroot curry and my tomato curry.
The beetroot curry was a fail the first few times I made it because my mom didn’t really teach me to make it or anything. It was just my little test-trial version.
But. Ladies and Gentlemen. My tomato curry is to die for. heh. I’m totally serious. I think its my best dish because it’s also my favorite dish. HEH. Gotta have something to survive on…unless I run out of tomatoes :O!!!
Anyways getting back to the cooking. The only person I do cook for is my dad and its for his breakfast and lunch (at work). So every day for the past weekdays I’ve been waking up at 5:30am. FRIKKIN FIVE THIRTY AM. not a happy camper. You may wonder, why so early?
My mom = speedy cooker.
Giona = make-sure-everything-is-cut-slowly-and-properly before-beginning-to-cook cooker.
*Shaking my head*….what will I do if I end up being a housewife o.o….
Today, I mutinied a bit….haha. My grandma started freaking out thinking there wouldn’t be anything for my dad to eat (chill chill lol). But I eventually woke up at 6am….so much for mutiny. There were leftovers of beetroot curry from the day before so I just re-heated that, made some chappattis and called it a day. Went right back to sleep and just woke up. Good nap. Now time to get ready for a quick stop at Koreatown (32nd street) in the city and then off to my financial literacy seminar (67th street). Gotta love the city! :)
I know I do.
I wish I could major in something that allowed me to travel and help people, to make a difference. I guess that’s my true dream.
But there are so many constraints on that dream of mine. There’s marriage and children since I’m also all about settling down. I feel like I’m in love but I don’t know if it is the right guy or the right thing for me. At times like this I wish I had that connection to G-d that my mom always talks about……but I don’t. So I don’t know if I’m making the right decisions.
^^ I wrote that paragraph last year. It was September 2011, my first month as a college freshman. I guess I was a bit lost as to where I’m going with my life. I mean I still am. But I feel like I’ve become a lot more “free” after my breakup. (Not the first time (Oct 29th), but the second time (Dec 22nd)) I had really believed that my ex and I would make it all the way to the “I do’s”. So I had factored him into every little life decision I made for myself. Now it’s kinda exhilarating that I’m making decisions for myself. I miss him, but I seriously think I could get used to single life.
I strongly believe in the idea that G-d has made someone for me in this world. Gabriel just wasn’t the one. Accepting it and getting on with life.
Anyways! So I’ve decided to double major: Psychology and B.B.A (Accounting).
Dreams
My career dream (currently) is to become either a psychology professor, researcher or psychologist. I’m interested in business as well but I’m not so certain that I’d enjoy doing it for the rest of my life.
My lifelong dream is to travel the world, perhaps not all of it but at least enough so that I won’t feel like I’ve wasted my chances at REALLY living my life the way I want.
Lastly, I just have a tiny dream to do something each day, something that makes a difference (however small it is) in someone’s life.
My topmost goal: I seriously hope to look back and not regret my choices and the choices I could have made.